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Rating
Synopsis
After a successful heist, bank robbers Ruth (Meg Greene) and Trish (Mary Seaman) lie low in the mountains. However, Ruth gets greedy and kills Trish to take her share, only to get slashed by a mysterious figure. Soon after, Tony (Tom Bongiorno) and his wife Lisa (Elisa R. Malinovitz) go to the same mountains for a vacation. Tony’s friend Al (Thomas Cue) and his wife Lil (Janeen Lowe) also stay in the cabin with them. Next door, there’s Stephanie (Stephanie Leigh Steel), Sue (Ramona Andrada), Rita (Diane Taylor), Marlene (Marti Neal), and Mary (Susan Bennett). Sheriff Ben (Fred Armond) and Officer Ski (Ski Mark Ford) are investigating the murders, though the locals have their suspicions. According to legend, a mountain man with a cursed knife possessed by a Native spirit stalks the mountains. Soon, the body count rises as the vacationers feel the wrath of Satan’s Blade!
Review
In my review of Splatter University, I said that I considered that the worst slasher I’ve reviewed so far. Having seen Satan’s Blade, I owe Richard Haines an apology because I’ve found one that’s even worse. Sure, SU had tons of boring filler, uninteresting characters, and bad acting, but it had a few bright spots. The same can’t be said for L. Scott Castillo Jr’s first and only directing credit, which is somehow more boring. Admittedly, the opening bank robbery is somewhat unique since it’s not the usual opening for a slasher. Unfortunately, the opening also serves as a taste for what’s to come – bad acting, poor writing, and amateur filmmaking. There’s also a trippy dream sequence partway into the movie where the young women get slashed by the mountain man. Sadly, those moments only make up 10 minutes of an otherwise boring 82 minutes.
The rest of the runtime consists of the characters drinking, wandering around, talking endlessly, or trying to be dramatic. There’s a minor subplot where Tony almost cheats on Lisa with Stephanie, but that doesn’t go anywhere. Also, the inane dialogue between the young women rivals the talking scenes from Death Proof, and that had Kurt Russell. None of the cast members went on to do anything afterward, and it’s easy to see why. None of them can emote convincingly; they all sound flat, and none of them are ironically funny. The cinematographer Terry Kempf was the only one who seems to have had a successful career after this. He worked in the art department for movies like The Abyss, Sicario, Lone Survivor, Scream 2, and Tank Girl. It’s good to know that at least someone managed to work on better things after this.
Even though he wasn’t a cinematographer in other movies, Kempf did a solid job capturing the scenery. Some beautiful shots of the mountains, forest, and snow look straight out of a nature documentary. I wonder if Castillo Jr. wanted to emulate The Shining in using the scenery to establish a sense of isolation. Unfortunately, like everything else, it doesn’t work and adds to the movie’s tedium and slow pacing. It doesn’t help that the slashing only happens an hour into the film, and even then, it’s done haphazardly. The ending is just as baffling, though it does have an interesting connection to the opening, so that’s appreciated. This movie is one I can only recommend to hardcore slasher fans, especially if you’re a completionist. Overall, Satan’s Blade is boring, poorly made, badly acted, and barely even a slasher film.
Buy Satan’s Blade from Amazon: https://amzn.to/4cgSLMm.
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