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Rating
Synopsis
Three years have passed since an escaped mental patient killed a young teacher at St. Trinian’s College. Newly graduated Julie Parker (Forbes Riley) gets a job teaching at the school from the headmaster, Father Janson (Dick Biel). While there, Julie makes friends with fellow teachers Mark Hammond (Ric Randig) and Cynthia Lockey (Laura Gold). Unbeknownst to Julie, the psychotic patient is back and killing several of the students one by one. Cynthia believes that Mark is responsible, so she and Julie investigate, only to find nothing. Soon, Cynthia ends up murdered, prompting Julie to tell Father Janson that she’s quitting her teaching job. Unfortunately, the killer is still out there, and Julie doesn’t have anyone to turn to. She confides in Father Janson that Mark is the killer, but what Julie soon finds out will blow her mind. Will Julie survive or be in line next at Splatter University?
Review
At the time of my writing, Splatter University might be the weakest of the 1984 slashers I’ve reviewed. Aside from some campy moments and a few bloody kills, this movie has little to offer. Granted, what Richard Haines and his team accomplished with only $50,000 is impressive, if nothing else. The cinematography is decent, the gore effects are solid, if minimal, and the score is delightfully weird. However, one song plays almost constantly at the start of every scene and gets annoying fast. You can tell there were reshoots by all the filler with the students that didn’t have much impact. It doesn’t help that all the acting from the students is very wooden at best and obnoxious at worst. They’re the ultimate example of characters in a slasher that are just there for cannon fodder. It’s no wonder many of them didn’t act in anything else.
That said, the cast has a few bright spots, namely Forbes Riley as the young, naive teacher Julie Parker. On top of being pretty, she does a great job playing an innocent teacher trying to stand up for herself. She and her landlord, Mrs. Bloom (Mary Ellen David), have funny back-and-forths that get weirdly gruesome. It’s easy to root for her, and she would’ve made a great final girl in a much better slasher. Dick Biel is another standout as the seemingly good-hearted Father Janson, who perfectly skirts the line between friendly and creepy. You can tell from his body language that something’s up with him, but you’re not sure what. Ric Randig and Laura Gold are also decent, but their characters don’t have much to do. Aside from them, the cast is mostly forgettable, just like the rest of the movie.
As much as I dog on this movie, some entertaining moments make it seem like a parody. After the opening sequence, it cuts to three years later, followed by a title card for next semester, last Friday. The weird time jumps combined with the ridiculous dialogue make me think Haines was trying to make a comedy. Unfortunately, too many slow, filler scenes make it hard to enjoy as a comedy, even an ironic one. Also, as I alluded to earlier, there are some decent kills, including throat slashings and chest stabbings. Plus, there is a twist that I genuinely didn’t expect, so I have to give the movie points for that. Still, this is one that I can only recommend to hardcore slasher fans, as most newcomers will find it dull. Overall, Splatter University has a few highlights, but not enough to justify the dull pace, story, and acting.
Buy Splatter University from Amazon: https://amzn.to/3WK5O4s.
Disclosure: The above link is an affiliate link, which means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.
